This article is not
a primer or guidebook on marriage, so if the reader is seeking marriage advice
might I suggest Dear Abby, a member of the clergy, or perhaps Dr. Phil McGraw.
Indeed, there are many sources to choose from on the subject and I am sure that
close friends or relatives are only too willing and eager in most cases in
offering their two cents; and “For Free” on top of that. What I am sharing is
an unsolicited perspective based on what I know and have observed, and I
certainly do not claim to be an expert because I don’t claim ownership to the
answer of marital happiness or success; but I can give my opinion on some
aspects of the experience. Let me start off by saying that I think an
individual should not marry until later in life. Of course someone will mention
their parents or good friends who married in their teens to a childhood
sweetheart and are happily celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary, or have
renewed their vows as senior citizens, and all that. Yes, there are many
couples who have done such a thing and I do not mean any disrespect to the
marital bond, love and commitment that have kept them together these many
years, and I am sure they do not see themselves as the exceptions to the rule
but rather just an average couple who found their soul mate, fell in love and
got married. Even more interesting than that are the people who are totally
opposite from the other, and yet in spite of these differences they are very
happily married and wouldn’t have it any other way.
I wish that all
marriages were like these but unfortunately such is not the case. There are of
course socioeconomic factors at play that affect marital relationships, and the
one thing that I have pondered about is that social science reveals the human
brain is not fully developed until around the age of 24; so what does this have
to do with marital longevity when millions of people marry young and stay that
way until severe physical/mental disability or the death of one spouse end the
marriage? I think when one is attracted to another person in many cases it is
based on physical/sexual attraction and saying you are in love is a convenient
culturally acceptable gift wrapping meant to satisfy certain social expectations
reinforced by the established religious institution of holy matrimony as well as civil/moral authorities and through cultural/ethnic religious traditions. I mean,
how many betrothed or engaged couples would not say they are getting married
because they “love” the other person as opposed to saying they are taking the
person off the market, or honestly admit to the sexual attraction first and foremost? Is it possible that someone could be in love
with the idea of being in “LOVE” or in love with the idea of being “MARRIED”
because of the societal value placed on the experience and influence of the
Christian Church that condemns illicit [outside of marriage] physical contact
of a sexual nature?
Marriage is serious
business involving a lifelong commitment that many younger people and quite a
few older ones might not be able to fulfill, despite trying their best. The older
teenager or early twenties person has just barely been emancipated from under
the authority of a parent or legal guardian, and yet think he/she is able to
take on the responsibility of marriage and raising a family with another person
for the rest of their natural life, that is quite a leap of faith. Let’s face
it, most of us weren’t thinking about the future but only the present-what we
look like or how we are now and not about 40 years from now when the gray hair
or bald areas appear on our scalp; the body is not toned, firm, and athletic
and there is a bulging stomach, sagging breasts, varicose veins in our legs;
flatter hips, our chest is not the ripped six-pack abs and that low BMI (Body
Mass Index) of around 10% is now30% or
higher and our triglycerides and cholesterol (HDL) levels are high and we have
plaque clogging our arteries, and most of all, the sex that used to be what we
wanted to engage in everyday is almost nonexistent now. This is the reality awaiting someone
contemplating marriage that needs to look-into the future, your future. Also,
if you think about it seriously, since each person sleeps approximately 8 hours
daily on average, a 24 year old has spent 8 years of their time with their head
on a pillow asleep and have enjoyed a mere 16 years enjoying life; that is
surely not enough time to mature physiologically, socially, mentally,
intellectually, mentally, and almost every other way to make such decision
regarding marriage.
The American
cultural lifestyle experience worships youth, beauty, physicality, sexuality,
virility, instant gratification and not so much the qualities and benefits
associated with age, patience, time and wisdom. We want to enjoy what is deemed
the best NOW because later in life that treasured opportunity available at the
very moment won’t be as good later and has no or limited usefulness. Love is
for the young and NOT for those “young of heart,” which is just old age
sentimentality; if one is really honest. Perhaps some of the reasons contributing
to the high divorce rate and marital infidelity is because the individuals were
not ready to give up their independence, freedom and autonomy but because of
external pressures and expectations went ahead and got married anyway. There
are countless examples of married couples who were right for each other but
they married to soon instead of waiting until their heart [feelings] matched up
with their head [intelligence/maturity]. There are many thousands who married
early than they should have who are bitter, filled with resentment, anger, and
regret- playing those old tapes over and over again in the minds, “If only I
could do it all over again, I would . . . “
Finally, adding to
that, marrying someone before both/either of you experience PMS (Pre-Midlife
crisis Syndrome) just might be headed for a marriage on the rocks. Since the
brain and all other high level functions don’t fully develop until the twenties
it would seem prudent that it should take just as many years to understand the
social world you live in, and plan a life as well as career where becoming an
adult with family responsibilities would be much more realistic and enjoyable.
Robert Randle
776 Commerce St.
#B-11
Tacoma, WA 98402
October 13, 2014
